Gobble Gobble

I go to the grocery store every day. Sometimes more than once. Luckily, I live equal distance between 2 stores so I can alternate trips in an attempt to fool the checkers. It's quite an embarrassing obsession. Especially with S for a BFF, who goes to the store like once a month and then calls me all giddy and bragging that she just bought $500 worth of stuff for like 50 cents. She's truly disgusted with the amount of money I spend on groceries and the amount of time I spend at the store. Every week I promise to change. And then when she asks how I did, how many times did I go this week-- I lie!

D: I don't think my friends quite understood how much I really, really love food until yesterday at Thanksgiving dinner. Seriously everyone else is getting up from the table and I'm lookin around thinking, "Look at all this food. Ain't no way I'm stopping now." I shamelessly ate like three times more than everyone else there.

S: That's hysterical.

D: I think they finally caught on though, because when the host fixed me a piece of pie he literally served up a fourth of the pie. I told him it was too big. He just smiled and said, "I think you can handle it."

S: You know I tried to warn them. I told them they needed to have food available for you at all times or you get cranky.

D: I do get cranky, don't I?

S: If we ever go on a trip I'm gonna have to pack snacks for you like I do for my kids.

D: You better. And I don't think it's a blood sugar thing. I just like food.

S: No, it's a don't-get- between-D-and-her-turkey sandwich thing.

D: That's right!

S: Maybe that's why we have always hit it off so well. I grew up in a family where we plan food. That's what we do. My sister and I could spend hours at the store checking out everything we've never tried and how yummy it would be. And then we get the family together and we eat and eat and eat.

Bleep-Bleep

S: Oh my God! Why do I hear cash register noises? Why in the hell are you in the grocery store again? I swear I'm gonna have them post your picture and not allow you in more than once a week. What could you possibly need at the grocery store?

D: I heard they had food here.