It all started with Dirty Shirley. She's loud and bossy. She interrupts everyone's conversation, tries to drown out Bon Jovi, and constantly leads us astray. Unfortunately, we've grown so accustomed to her that's it's become almost impossible not to include her in any family outing. We tolerate her loud sighs followed by the condescending, "Recalculating", because someone somewhere somehow convinced me that we can't function without her.
Not too long after the arrival of Dirty Shirley came her distantly related cousin--on steroids. You might know him as the Smart Phone. Smart Phone--kind of a condescending, self-serving title, don't ya think. And if that title weren't enough all by itself, that Smart Phone comes with a Genius button. And just like most geniuses, trying to communicate with it just makes me feel stupid.
With the Genius button, I'm supposed to be able to speak into the phone and tell it to call one of my contacts. There's even a car mode. Dirt Shirley oughta like that! Just to spite her, I give it a try.
I'm behind the wheel, navigating the one-way streets of down town rush hour. I push the Genius Button.
ME: Call Frank.
Genius: Did you say call Kate?
ME: Call Frank.
Genius: Did you say call Carmen?
ME: No. Carmen sounds nothing like Frank. Call Frank!
Genius: Did you say call Drake?
ME: I don't even know a Drake. There is no Drake in my contacts. CALL FRANK! Dammit!
Genius: Did you say call Janet?
Dirty Shirley: Recalculating!
Apparently that street wasn't exactly heading in the same one way I was heading. What can I say? I guess I'm just not smart enough to manage navigation and communication, even with the aid of the latest life easing technology.
I realize and appreciate that my tech savvy family is trying to corral my A.D.D. brain into organizational submission. However, my daytimer and #2 pencil never need charging and my 3 ring full of loose leaf wide ruled never experiences a paper jam. I push the buttons on my land line phone, it doesn't push mine and my Rand McNally Road map never sasses me!
If this blog actually gets posted correctly, please share your own tech disaster, if only so I don't feel so alone in the universe. However, I hear there's a solution for that too. Our new computer has something called a Skype button.
Showing posts with label Technology. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Technology. Show all posts
Saturday, February 18, 2012
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Picture Imperfect
This blog has no pictures. Oh, you hadn't noticed? Take a look. Not a single picture.
There are two reasons for that. First, I haven't figured out how to do that quite yet. Second, even when I figure it out, I won't want to post any pictures of me.
I saw Bette Midler on Johnny Carson explain once that when she was first getting started in show business she actually sent someone else's head shot with her resume. Maybe she'd actually get the job if the casting director didn't know what she looked like. The Divine Miss M? Can you believe that?
It's a female curse. Maybe. Or could just be me. Have you ever experienced this--It's a good hair day. A great one, in fact. Make-up is cooperating, too. For once you aren't bloated like a Goodyear Blimp and you can, in fact, fit into your skinny jeans. You are even feeling confident enough to undo the next button on your blouse. So you smile brilliantly when you meet your girlfriends or family or whoever is your public for the evening and they snap the photo to preserve the picture perfect moment. Then, you see the picture. And, thanks to technology you can usually view it immediately so it can ruin your fantasy right away.
What happened? In your mirror, in your bedroom, in your home you looked fabulous. So maybe you should just stay in front of your mirror, in your bedroom, in your home because apparently the lighting everywhere else just ain't doing it for ya.
Well, that's been my experience in every picture-taking opportunity past the age of 21. And what's truly unfair, is that my best friend has just the opposite experience. If I can figure out how to do it, I'll post the picture she snapped with her cell phone at the spur of the moment while she was working her garage sale, for crying out loud. Do you know what I look like when I'm working a garage sale? No, you wouldn't because I WOULD NEVER ALLOW A CAMERA ANYWHERE CLOSE!
Sorry for yelling. Beautiful best friends are maddening.
The interesting thing is how this problem is interpreted by my children. The three girls completely get it. "Oh, Mom, You can't let anyone see that picture." Of course they are talking only about photos of me because none of them could take a bad picture. Which you could see for yourself if I could figure out how to post it. But my son gets very upset. "Mom, you are beautiful all the time!"
So was it wrong of me to tell him he was my favorite child of the moment the other day when I walked into school to pick him up and the first thing he said was, "Mom, you look really pretty today." Of course the quiet yet calculating daughter quickly added, "But I think you look gorgeous!"
Then they started fighting over how beautiful each of them thought I was. Fighting! Right there in front of the teacher and their classmates! Over me. And my beauty. I smiled. What a picture perfect moment.
There are two reasons for that. First, I haven't figured out how to do that quite yet. Second, even when I figure it out, I won't want to post any pictures of me.
I saw Bette Midler on Johnny Carson explain once that when she was first getting started in show business she actually sent someone else's head shot with her resume. Maybe she'd actually get the job if the casting director didn't know what she looked like. The Divine Miss M? Can you believe that?
It's a female curse. Maybe. Or could just be me. Have you ever experienced this--It's a good hair day. A great one, in fact. Make-up is cooperating, too. For once you aren't bloated like a Goodyear Blimp and you can, in fact, fit into your skinny jeans. You are even feeling confident enough to undo the next button on your blouse. So you smile brilliantly when you meet your girlfriends or family or whoever is your public for the evening and they snap the photo to preserve the picture perfect moment. Then, you see the picture. And, thanks to technology you can usually view it immediately so it can ruin your fantasy right away.
What happened? In your mirror, in your bedroom, in your home you looked fabulous. So maybe you should just stay in front of your mirror, in your bedroom, in your home because apparently the lighting everywhere else just ain't doing it for ya.
Well, that's been my experience in every picture-taking opportunity past the age of 21. And what's truly unfair, is that my best friend has just the opposite experience. If I can figure out how to do it, I'll post the picture she snapped with her cell phone at the spur of the moment while she was working her garage sale, for crying out loud. Do you know what I look like when I'm working a garage sale? No, you wouldn't because I WOULD NEVER ALLOW A CAMERA ANYWHERE CLOSE!
Sorry for yelling. Beautiful best friends are maddening.
The interesting thing is how this problem is interpreted by my children. The three girls completely get it. "Oh, Mom, You can't let anyone see that picture." Of course they are talking only about photos of me because none of them could take a bad picture. Which you could see for yourself if I could figure out how to post it. But my son gets very upset. "Mom, you are beautiful all the time!"
So was it wrong of me to tell him he was my favorite child of the moment the other day when I walked into school to pick him up and the first thing he said was, "Mom, you look really pretty today." Of course the quiet yet calculating daughter quickly added, "But I think you look gorgeous!"
Then they started fighting over how beautiful each of them thought I was. Fighting! Right there in front of the teacher and their classmates! Over me. And my beauty. I smiled. What a picture perfect moment.
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